I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness

Dear me...

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:09:08 GMT

why do you need to be so pathetic and weak??

seriously you never needed anyone...or thats why you would tell yourself,

so then why do you fucking feel so lonely?

you know people care for you, then why wont you be able to feel loved?

why do feel as if thats not enough? stop being so fucking selfish not everything revolves around you you stupid cunt!

god seriously why are those feelings coming back again??

i thought you were happy!! no...its all a lie

but you cant tell them!! youll make them suffer

you dont want that do you?? why make people feel sad for you stupidity??

why do you want attention? you never cared

you would always keep your feelings to yourself!!!

why do you feel the need for someone to just know whats going on and hug you??

you actually WANT their pity...thats so sad no wonder youre fucking messed up!

maybe you should go to a doctor...your dad is already worried you know??

do you want him to worry even more? no? then keep your feelings to yourself, be strong!

dont make him waste money on you when you know you can control this...

people can never know the real you

but please dont be scared, dont cry...eventually this will stop right?

no, it never stops you just know how to block it

so please block this depression like you always do

dont cry anymore people will see you and get worried

you dont need to make them worry

youre not worth it so please stop it

hollywood diet

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 10:58:55 GMT

ok so heard that supp you can lose 10lbs in 48hrs...im still not sure if it'll work but hey i'll try it if i get to buy all that stuff :D

here's the recipe if someone wants to try it too

1 cup of orange juice
1 cup of cranberry juice
1 cup of (vanilla) soy milk
1 cup of yogurt (she used reduced fat plain)
2 Tbsp. wheat germ
1/4 tsp. flaxseed oil

Mix above together and sip throughout day. Drink at least 64 oz. of water. This is enough for the 48-hour period.

thinspo

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 22:32:07 GMT

hmmm

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 08:21:28 GMT

blah so today i did way better

my grandma cooked for me so i felt bad and i ate it....

andof course i ended up purging the shit out :/

so i had around 300 cals today

and i also got to excercise for 2 hrs :D

im gonna be alone tomorrow so fasting for me!!!

i feel so light headed right now, i love it.

SS&TT!!!!

<333

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 08:31:55 GMT

I FEEL FAT!!!

god i cant seem to fool my aunt or my grandparents here!!!!

i was better back at home :/

but i dont rly wanna go back...not yet

i need to find better ways not to eat!!

this monday i start going to a two week course on how to put fake nails so maybe that will help me to lie

gah i hate myself for eating...

5 Days

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 19:54:36 GMT

that i havent eaten anything!!

well the 3rd day i ate 3 popsicles but they had 15 cals each
and i burned them off lol

i feel pretty tired and moody and all blah
it might be cause im not eating

but also cause yesterday i got my heart broken for the first time...
it was so horrible :(

i mean i've been crushing on the guy since freshmen year (4-5yrsalready)
and we were hanging out alot this week cause he wanted to so i dun get it : /
he was always flirting with me, touching my hair, my hands, my back...well just flirting haha
and last night he tried to kiss me and everything!!

but i had to be so fucking stupid and tell him i liked him T^T
he just didnt say anything and started to sorta walk away saying that he was gonna call me today...lies
god srsly why do guys have to be like that??
first they hit on you and then when u tell thme they freak out?!!?

the only good thing out of this, is that im not even hungry
cause i feel so...dead
sad i know but thats how i feel. i just wish i didn't tell him anything and just let him kiss me D:

maybe he doesnt like me cause i'm so fucking FAT
i've been scared of weighting myself cause i know it wont be pretty...
but maybe i am gonna do it
so that i can motivate myself on losing more :]

...fuck i feel like shit :'(

</3

yaaaaay!!!!!!

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:06:12 GMT

ok.

for the past two days i've been like all weird...

on wednesay y burned 600cals excercising :D

so i burned like more than half of what i ate :P

but omg yesterday!!!!!! gaaah i just wanted to die >_< i pigged out like crazy!!!!

i ate a cucumber
an apple
then sum chips
and THEN a 6 in subway x.x

gah i felt rly fat...i srsly felt like a was about to purge but had to hold it in cause my parents were home O:

& when i was gonna start to excercise my mum didnt let me!!!!! can you effin believe it!!
so yeah i decided to call a frnd and go to starbucks to smoke cause i thought i was gonna purge at any time

she then decided it was a good time to weight ourselfs...yeah i was shitless scared...BUT it turns out that i lost 3LBS!!!!!!!!

so now im 123lbs :DDDDD

yay yay i mean i know i woulve weighted less if i hadnt eaten all that crap but meh but im not even close to my goal weight yet D:
but i know i can do it!!!!! ;D

anyways so today i ate some granola pieces and an apple & i was fine but then when my mum picked me up she made eat a burger...i got a chicken one tho :D but god!! i felt so guilty cause i was doing so well -.-

the good news is that she is gone and i just purged everything i ate and i feel way better now ;P

my frnd might pick me up soon to get sum coffee but screw that im gonna drink diet tea :L & smoke a cig :D

WOOOOP!!!!!! >w

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:39:50 GMT

omg ok so today i ate like mother.... pig D:<

i mean at first i was alright...then i got home and BOOM!!!!!
i was ubber hungry...and i ate : /

BIG MISTAKE!!!!! after i pigged out my back started hurting like a bitch!!!
and i couldnt purge cause my parents were home :P

so i decided to excercise since 7 to 11
but since it was cold to run outside i played DDR xD

and i burned 800 calories!!!!! omg im so happy...thats like almost all the food i ate :D

anyways...im kinda sad cause the community that i've been trying to join wont accept me!!!
whats so wrong with me??? maybe ill try to apply again tomorrow...semester exams tomorrow morning D: aye

well bye self!!!

#$%#&!!!!!!!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 05:32:42 GMT

ok so supposedely i was NOT going to eat anymore last night...
but i did D:<

and im so pissed ay myself!!! I felt like a major fatass...

Anyways...today i was all happy that i was only eating...
1 toast
1 cheese string
cup of tea
and of course water :DDDD

but THEN i found out that one of my friend's dad died :O
i felt like i was about to die!!! cause oh man i love that girl and her family!!
and she is devastaded and i was...well am so fucking scared that she might start cutting again...
so DUH i binged like MAD!!!!

i was only going to eat 160 cal. today...but ended up eating around 400-500 gross....but i feel like tomorrow will be easier :D

:P

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 00:27:06 GMT

ok so right now im eating an apple and i cant even finish it!!!!

i am so happy cause that means im starting to get full by only drinking water :D

yay yay!!!!

well im gonna go out with sum frnds even tho im still kinda mad at them but the only reason im going is totell my parents that i ate with them >:D

damn sometimes im so smart!!!!

hopefully i wont be tempted..we'll see what happens!!!

gaaaah!

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:25:37 GMT

ok so yesterday i started with a good day...

ate one aple
drank lots of water
2 french fries :D
and a sugar free puddin...

but gawd can friends be more bitchy!!!

just cause one of em is fucking skinny doesnt give her the right to say wut i should or shouldnt do!!
so i think im just gonna start lying and say i already ate lol, that should work ;D

anyways so we chilled at night with this guy that we didnt know but my other friend (notskinny) rly liked him so yah we go and this other asshole(guy) decides to go to...and yes he hates me cause my friend Michelle(skinny) is always with me and he likes her but yeah wutever at the end of the night he hates me more than ever and my friend is blaming me!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

i was giving them their own space but oh no she had to stay with me >_< i didnt tell her to be with me...oh and the other guy decides to start to have a crush on me!! GREAT! and now my other friend is crying and making me feel even worse than i do now...

so i started shaking like mad and my dad saw and made me eat -.-

so today i've eaten

a sandwich
2 bananas
1 slice of melon
a glass of light soy milk
and water...

god i feel like such a fatass...but im making myself not eat for the rest of the day :D

hopefully it'll work!!!